Notes to Self

The unhinged, accidental diary inside my phone

As a self-proclaimed words girl and devout lover of routines that become rituals, I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who keeps a journal. You know, a morning pages-lit-candle-emo-reflections-on-existence-and-experiences type, imperfect but charming handwriting, feeling accomplished and well-documented as the book closes on the daily.

Alas, I am not that person. I am a person who just last year purchased an extremely chic and minimal 365 notebook that lasted in practice for exactly 54 days before it felt more chore than core to my being. That same notebook now sits next to me, holding an expanded set of intentions, notes, and to-do lists that - when overwhelmed - are systematically scribbled out in a way that is equal parts effective and disturbing. My handwriting is terrible and, despite the practice I thought would improve it, now fully given way to digital wordsmithery save for the quick jot. My falling out with diaries was an early habit, letting go of the pink and purple locked gems of childhood.

But as it turns out, I do keep an accurate record of personality, experiences, wishes, and wants - a diary of sorts: it’s called the Notes app. This iOS system standard Notes app is where my mind’s inner workings leak out in real time - unfiltered, a little unhinged, deeply personal, and indicative of my true MVP priorities. It’s not the thoughtfully curated space I aim for in most facets of life, but the scraps and must remembers of a brain that is often over stimulated. This Substack is a pretty accurate representation of my thoughts, but if you’d like the messy and raw yet-to-be-published, my Notes app will tell you all you need to know.

For example, just about the time my relationship with Adam began, so did a note with the same name. Inside, a lovingly detailed inventory of preferences and facts that he had shared with me, hastily typed like I was studying for an exam whilst falling in love. Loved foods, hated foods, small domestic quirks - facts I’ve been grateful to have handy on many occasions, and the now often quoted, “Thinks corn is boring.” I must have believed affection was something you could manage with bullet points. Reading it now makes me laugh and also melt a little, caring so much that my brain said I should probably write this down for safekeeping. That note feels more romantic to me than any paragraph I could have written in a real diary.

Then there are the dream notes…